We know we’ll die. That’s not the problem.
The problem is how awkward we get about it. Like we’re trying to quietly back out of the room without making eye contact with the Grim Reaper.
We avoid the word “death” like it’s bad luck. We say “passed away” or “lost them” or “gone to a better place”. It sounds kind, but also a bit like someone wandered off and joined a travelling circus without leaving a note.
And yes, I get it. Death is uncomfortable. It’s sad. It makes us feel small. Sometimes it makes us cry in the middle of the supermarket. So we do what most people do with uncomfortable things. We avoid it. Change the subject. Or joke about it to make it feel less scary.
But here’s the thing. All this avoiding doesn’t protect us. It just leaves us unprepared.
Why do we find it so hard to talk about?
We’re not weird for dodging the topic. We’re human. And most of us were never taught how to talk about death in a way that felt okay.
Some of it’s cultural. In the UK, we’re famously good at saying “sorry” when someone steps on our foot, but not so great at sitting with someone’s grief. We keep things respectful, which often just means silent.
And there’s the fear.
Fear of saying the wrong thing.
Fear of getting emotional.
Fear that if we talk about death, we’ll somehow make it happen. We won’t.
It’s easier to change the subject. Or pretend we’re fine. Or assume the other person doesn’t want to talk either.
Sometimes, both people in the room are grieving and both are pretending they’re not. You end up with two people making tea and talking about the weather while trying not to cry into the biscuits.
What this silence really costs us
When we avoid talking about death, we’re not just avoiding pain. We’re also avoiding truth, clarity, and connection.
People die without having said what mattered.
Families are left guessing at funeral wishes.
Friends drift apart because they don’t know how to show up for each other in grief.
And for the people left behind, it can feel incredibly lonely. Not just because someone they love is gone, but because no one wants to talk about it.
Grief becomes this quiet, invisible thing people carry around while trying to act normal.
And when we can’t talk about death, we also can’t talk about life. Not fully. We can’t say, “This is what I want.” Or “This is what I’m afraid of.” Or even just, “I’m scared.”
Something That Stuck With Me
There was a time I avoided the topic too. I’d sidestep it in conversations or just offer some polite version of “I’m so sorry” and hope that covered it.
But then someone said to me, after losing someone they loved, “I wish people would stop pretending this didn’t happen.”
And that hit me.
Not talking about it didn’t protect them. It just made them feel invisible.
Since then, I’ve tried to be braver. Not always eloquent, but honest. Sometimes it’s just sitting in silence with someone. Sometimes it’s saying, “That must be really hard,” and meaning it.
What we can do differently
We don’t have to become poets of mortality overnight.
We don’t need the perfect words.
We just need to start being real.
Real might look like saying
“I’m here.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I care.”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
It might mean having the slightly uncomfortable conversation with someone you love about what they’d want or what you’d want. You don’t have to make it formal. You can start with, “I know this is a weird thing to bring up, but…”
These conversations might feel strange at first. But they’re also the ones people remember.
If You Take One Thing from This…
Avoiding death doesn’t make it go away. But talking about it, even a little, can make us feel less alone in the face of it.
And if you’ve made it this far, you’re already doing it. You’re thinking about the thing we’re all quietly carrying.
So this Death Awareness Week, maybe let’s stop whispering about it and just talk.
Even if it’s a bit awkward. Even if no one has the right words.
Sometimes, saying something imperfect is the most human thing we can do.
If you’re feeling the weight of something unspoken or just need space to sit with whatever’s coming up, you’re not alone.
You can find out more about how I work at trueformtherapy.co.uk — when you’re ready.