Trueform Therapy

Author: Dorottya Nagy

  • Why Trying to Be Perfect Might Drive You Towards Your Own Extinction

    The Extinction-Level Threat of Perfectionism

    Imagine a species so obsessed with being flawless that it refuses to adapt. Can’t climb a tree because its claws aren’t “perfectly aligned”? Won’t eat a new type of berry because it’s not “ideal”? You’d be extinct before lunch.

    And yet, as humans, we sometimes do the exact same thing. Except our “species” is just ourselves. The extinction we’re facing isn’t literal; it’s emotional, social, and sometimes just plain miserable.

    Perfectionism: The Survival Strategy That Backfires

    Perfectionism feels like a strategy. Follow all the rules, tick all the boxes, and hope life bends in your favour. But in nature, rigidity kills. Flexibility wins. The animals that survive aren’t the fastest, strongest, or prettiest. They’re the ones that can adapt when the world changes.

    Humans are remarkably adaptable creatures. Our ancestors survived ice ages, plagues, and the occasional neighbour with an unhealthy grudge. They survived by experimenting, learning, and failing spectacularly. Perfectionism, ironically, rejects all that adaptability. It turns growth into a high-stakes game with only one acceptable outcome: flawless performance. Spoiler: nobody wins at that game.

    Perfectionism in Everyday Life

    In therapy, perfectionism shows up in many forms:

    • People-pleasing to the point of exhaustion
    • Obsessing over mistakes long after anyone else cares
    • Avoiding opportunities unless they can be executed “perfectly”
    • Over-preparing for meetings, social events, or even small chores because “anything less would be unacceptable”
    • Constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling like you’re falling short
    • Difficulty finishing projects because they’re never “good enough”
    • Reluctance to speak up or share ideas unless you’re certain they’re flawless
    • Rigid daily routines that feel safer than spontaneity, even when they drain you
    • Emotional suppression—trying to only feel or express “acceptable” emotions
    • Apologising excessively for things that don’t require it, just in case

    The cost isn’t just that we feel stressed or anxious. We pay with our flexibility. Every time you insist on a perfect outcome, you shrink your ability to adapt, respond, and survive emotionally. You’re training yourself to survive only under ideal conditions. And let’s face it, life is rarely ideal.

    Adaptability: The True Survival Skill

    So, what’s the alternative? Start small:

    • Make one intentional mistake this week—an email with a typo, burnt toast, slightly crooked wall art—and notice that the world keeps turning.
    • Try a new approach, even if it’s imperfect. Flex your mental muscles.
    • Celebrate “good enough” as a form of resilience, not failure

    Research in psychology supports this: people who allow themselves to fail and experiment tend to be more resilient, creative, and emotionally agile. Neuroplasticity (fancy scientist speak for your brain’s impressive ability to bend, stretch, and figure things out) thrives when we step outside rigid perfectionistic patterns.

    Laugh, Stumble, Survive

    Perfectionism feels like safety, but it’s a trap. Adaptability is survival. Flexibility is thriving. And laughing at yourself along the way? That’s just smart evolution.

    If our species and our emotional lives have taught us anything, it’s that survival favours the flexible. So relax, stumble a little, and stop trying to be a flawless specimen. Your species will thank you.

  • Therapists Are People Too: What You Really Get in Counselling

    You probably imagine your therapist living a flawless life: a spotless apartment, a white fence outside, a matcha latte in hand, never raising their voice or losing their temper.

    Maybe you picture us gliding through every awkward or painful moment with calm wisdom, always knowing the right thing to say, as if a secret emotional cheat sheet lives in our brains. Sometimes you worry that if you cry, or tell me about a fight over something as trivial as the dishwasher, I’ll silently judge you—or worse, crumble under the weight of your story. That’s understandable.

    But the truth is far less glamorous. I lose my keys. I forget birthdays. I’ve sat through a client session wearing an inside-out t-shirt and didn’t notice until halfway through. My cat will sometimes leap onto my lap during a Zoom session, scaring me senseless, and I can’t help but shriek. Somehow, feeling tangled in my own life allows me to sit with yours too.

    TV and Social Media Lie to You

    We all have seen therapists on TV or social media: composed, neat, glasses perched, nodding thoughtfully in their green cardigan. That image seeps into our expectations, even if you’ve never met a real therapist. In reality, most of us start out in our therapy training learning how to listen and be present, not how to perform perfection.

    Real therapy doesn’t come with a green cardigan or a perfect smile.

    Some clients look surprised when I sit cross-legged in the chair, sip my tea mid-session, glance away while thinking, or laugh at something absurd that happens in the moment, like a dog barking nonstop during a particularly heavy story. Those pauses don’t mean distraction. They are simply humans at work. And unsurprisingly, research confirms what feels obvious in practice: clients often assume professionals have life figured out, when what actually matters is empathy, attention, and a willingness to sit with difficult feelings.

    Humans at Work, Not Robots

    Therapists are trained in psychological techniques, not in living flawlessly. We notice patterns, ask questions, and hold space, but life remains messy. I’ve snapped at my partner, cried over shows I have been rewatching a hundred times, and laughed at moments I shouldn’t have.

    Once, a client apologised for sending a drunken text to an ex; instead of judging, I laughed with them, and that shared moment became a doorway into understanding shame, embarrassment, and communication. These moments only deepen the work. Sessions are about sitting together in the middle of what feels complicated, noticing it, exploring it, and sometimes finding humour in the absurdity of being human.

    Busting Therapy Myths

    There are plenty of myths floating around beyond TV and social media. Some people think therapy is only for people in crisis. Others imagine therapists have all the answers, like sages with plans for every life problem.

    The reality is simpler and stranger: we show up, curious, paying attention, ready to reflect and respond without knowing the future or holding a master manual. Some days we have the same ordinary anxieties you do, the same confusion, the same “how did I get here?” thoughts. That shared uncertainty is exactly what allows us to sit with your experience.

    Freedom in Imperfection

    Knowing that your therapist isn’t perfect can be quietly freeing. You don’t have to hide the awkward or confusing parts of your life or apologise for moments you barely understand yourself. Therapy is a space to explore those moments without judgement. You can learn to notice patterns, test ideas, and pay attention to what matters. And sometimes, the most memorable part isn’t the insight or the technique. It’s the sense that someone sees you, really sees you, and sits with you anyway.

    Therapists being human matters beyond the therapy room. Life itself is chaotic, confusing, and occasionally absurd. Connecting with someone who understands that reality changes how you experience your own life. You begin to notice yourself, your reactions, and the humour tucked into difficult moments. You realise you don’t have to act, hide, or carry everything alone.

    Sometimes the most memorable part of therapy isn’t the insight, but the sense that someone really sees you.

    If the idea of therapy has felt intimidating, imagining someone flawless sitting across from you, know that you’ll find none of that. You’ll find a human who can hold space for what’s heavy, strange, or even embarrassing without judgement, without expectation, and sometimes with a shared laugh at life’s absurdities. If you’re ready to explore your thoughts and feelings, to feel understood and noticed, you’re welcome to reach out. You won’t find quick fixes, but you will find someone who notices, stays with you, and makes the load lighter.

  • Understanding Perfectionism: Breaking the Cycle

    You’ve been chasing that “better version” of yourself for a while.
    Scrolling past every post that promises a total life reset in 30 days and thinking, maybe this will be the one that works.
    You download the app, set your alarms, and colour-code the habit tracker.
    You tell yourself this time will be different, but within a week, the reminders feel like guilt trips.
    The free trial ends, you forget to cancel, and now you’re paying for something you’ve already stopped using.

    Meanwhile, you’re lying awake at 2 a.m. with a tense jaw and a racing heart.
    You snap at people you care about, then feel guilty for being irritable.
    You cancel plans because you’re “too tired”, even though the thought of resting makes you restless.
    Some nights you eat nothing at all; other nights it’s whatever’s easiest.

    And somewhere between the unopened morning routine emails and the untouched workout videos, that thought creeps in: everyone else seems to follow through, so what’s wrong with me?
    If you’ve ever felt that, this is for you.

    Photo by ThisIsEngineering on Pexels.com

    What Is Perfectionism and Why It Feels So Hard to Break

    I hear this feeling all the time. That quiet frustration of “Why can’t I just stick with it?” It’s a tricky one, especially when the world around us seems to celebrate quick wins and overnight change. Social media feeds full of 30-day challenges and total life resets can make it feel like everyone else is doing just fine. Except you.

    I’ve been there myself. Downloading Duolingo, signing up for yoga apps, joining 30-day workout plans… full of hope at first, then slowly watching those bright progress bars turn red as I kept missing my streak, week after week.

    Now I know that it had nothing to do with willpower or failure. I was trying to live up to standards that weren’t realistic, standards I’d absorbed without realising.

    There’s a reason this feels so familiar. When the person you are doesn’t match the person you think you ‘should’ be, feelings like shame and anxiety often show up quietly. And for people in their 20s and 30s, that gap often feels wider because of rising perfectionism and constant comparison online.

    So, it makes a lot of sense to feel stuck or disappointed. It’s the pressure of a culture that expects nonstop productivity but rarely talks about what it feels like underneath. You’re far from alone in this.

    “Perfectionism at its core isn’t about high standards. It’s about fear… the fear that one simple thing might be true: you’re just not good enough.”

    Marie Forleo

    The Hidden Roots of Perfectionism: Family, Culture, and Early Experiences

    Perfectionism rarely shows up out of nowhere. It usually grows from the messages we absorb over time from family, culture, and early experiences.

    Maybe you were the one everyone counted on to stay calm and hold things together. Maybe asking for help felt impossible because it seemed like admitting weakness. Or perhaps you grew up in a culture or family where success was not just expected but tied to your worth, and slipping up felt like failure. For many, cultural values around achievement or family honour add a pressure that is hard to shake.

    It is common to develop habits like pushing yourself when you’re drained, people-pleasing to avoid conflict, or hiding struggles because coping alone feels like the only option.

    Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

    Have you noticed how the pressure to perform never really goes away? We live in a world that celebrates hustle and effortless success but rarely shows the hard parts beneath. So it’s no wonder the gap between where you are and where you think you should be feels so wide.

    Sometimes, just noticing these roots can bring a flicker of relief or stir up old frustration. Either way, it is a necessary step.

    Once you begin to see where these feelings come from, the next step is learning how to respond to them with kindness instead of criticism.

    What feels like falling short might actually be your body and mind sending a message you’ve been missing. Perfectionism often tells us to push harder, to stick with the next app or plan no matter what. But maybe that tight jaw or restless night is your brain saying it’s time to slow down.

    Healthy Striving vs. Perfectionism: Knowing the Difference

    “Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?”

    Brené Brown

    For many, perfectionism can feel like the drive to do well, but beneath the surface, it often masks a fear of shame from making mistakes or disappointing others. Maybe you grew up thinking only flawless effort counts. So you kept going, even when your energy was drained or your motivation faded. Like when you keep chasing the “right” way to improve yourself, even if it means starting a new plan before finishing the last one.

    This drive can trap you in a cycle where resting feels like failure, but pushing harder only leads to more exhaustion. That urge to control every outcome or avoid mistakes is your mind’s way of protecting you from feeling vulnerable or judged.

    Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels.com

    The surprising truth is, striving for perfection narrows your focus and stifles creativity. Stress shrinks your brain’s ability to adapt, so pushing through can actually slow you down.

    But healing doesn’t mean you are required to give up your standards or stop trying completely. Think of it as shifting your focus toward noticing when you’re caught in these patterns and choosing to pause, even if just for a moment. Rest is part of progress, not its opposite.

    What to do:

    • When you feel the pull to jump into a new plan, pause and ask, “What is my body telling me right now?”
    • Notice the difference between motivation and pressure.
    • Give yourself permission to rest, even if just for a moment.

    Which of these feels doable for you? What might change if you listened more closely to your needs instead of pushing harder?

    This isn’t an easy cycle to break, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. When you’re ready, I’m here. https://trueformtherapy.co.uk/book-a-session/